The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
The trampoline was on sale for fifty per cent off. Needless to say I jumped on the offer.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
Mummies are bound to be uptight.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.
I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.
I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
i really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.
I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a month?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
I think you won't.
Yes, I will.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
See? You've forgotten me already!
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.
He says: "OK, now what?"
What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.